“TUM Banogi Trainer? TUM?? (Do you really think YOU can become a trainer? YOU??) And her clearly annoyed voice echoed through the hall of the participants of the Trainers’ Training Workshop for Healers, directed at me, for having asked a naïve question, not unusual to my character. In a fraction of a second, were shattered all my only remaining hopes of achieving my heart’s deepest desire, after a life time of battling struggles and hunting through (perceived) failures, without my teacher knowing it.
And as the last straw broke, I fell into a dark abyss, totally sucked in by what seemed like a silence before the storm.
The storm did come, but not how and when I expected it to be.
It was not the regaining of my strength to move ahead with more determination. It was rather a strong reinforcement of a belief in my inability to find what I had been looking for all along. Because I used to see my teachers as an epitome of light, I could never ever question them even in my dreams. I yearned only for their approval and validation in a world which had completely rejected me for who I was.
And thereafter, a deep lull enveloped me, all through my journey with this healing modality, which I could never get out of, in spite of giving my best to my healing practice. No matter how much I tried to speak, it was as though, someone had deliberately stolen my voice, and cast an unbreakable spell on me.
I, however, continued chasing shadows, with the idea of healing myself at a deeper level to reach my destination, not understanding that in this case, rejection was protection, that what was going on underneath the garb of healing was nothing else but energetic manipulation, delving into the astral realms without any protection, messing up of the organic DNA template, twisting of timelines, disconnecting from the Source, and being trapped in endless cycles of huge energy harvesting through connecting with black holes (The more you ‘heal’, the more you get to ‘heal’.)
My life kept deteriorating till my relationships touched the threshold of being broken, my self esteem crushed into pieces, my distraction from my roles and responsibilities heightened with me being pulled into some place far, far from Presence, which I can now recognize as the symptoms of ADD (attention deficit disorder) destroying my abundance (my organizing skills, memory, coherent thinking etc.). All this while my core issue, the reason for choosing my healing journey, remained intact and growing!
Down came 2020, and with that a tsunami of people waking up and asking questions, which I happened to be a part of, to which I never got any real answers, only some more gaslighting.
It was then that I could connect the dots and make sense of what had happened with me. As I write these words, I am called to remember the various instances of being gaslighted, spiritual bypassing, being snubbed for saying anything that contradicted love and light, and so much more…
It was then that I realized how I had given my power away to my teachers and kept them on a pedestal. Trampling over my own inner guidance, I adored and followed what was told like a devotee, only to find myself standing at the brink of the threshold, beyond which there was no return. I could have crossed that point of no return, but thanks to my Higher Self who, through a soul connection, pulled me back from destroying myself, and directed me to course correct my path.
It was that I was forced to see the truth of where I was going, to come to terms with what true healing is, the taking back of my power from the narcissists in all areas of my life I had given it away to, recollecting myself back into my Presence, setting firm boundaries courageously, loving myself enough to take stands, and creating a safe place for myself to truly heal and recover from the emotional trauma I had been exposed to forever.
The first step to truly embark on my real healing journey was to pull myself out of that toxicity, operating under the umbrella of New Age Healing, which is more often than not a consciousness trap for empaths, scapegoats, indigos, twin flames, truthtellers, way showers etc. These are not labels, but real origins and roles played by the frontrunners who were meant to anchor the high vibrational energies entering Earth, pave the way for mass consciousness to rise, awaken and assist with the ascension of humanity.
Giving up on nearly a decade of planting seeds did not come easy to me. I could finally break out of the spell in 2021, but not the spell of silence up until now, amidst so many psychic attacks.
P.S.: While this whole movie was playing out, there were outsiders who used to look down upon my healing practice as something woo-woo, revelling in judging my choice of healing myself, deriving sadistic pleasure from laughing behind my back, rejecting the concept of self transformation because it triggered them, feeling victorious and glorifying their manipulative abilities. Being an empath, I see them. And here is a boundary which they will never be able to permeate:
It takes a lot of authenticity, courage, and self acceptance to choose to face one’s own darkness. I was, am, and will always be in gratitude for each step of my journey because it is very sacred and precious to me. I have learnt the importance of recognizing self and inner work, which have become my strong foundations for not only this life, but beyond; and most importantly, the lessons of duality, that compartmentalizing things into absolute light and absolute dark is not only illusive but restricting as well. This has helped me to shift my perception from being people focussed to situation focussed, and equipped me with the much needed freedom and empowerment to recreate my life.
I don’t have any intentions of blaming my teachers or anyone else, because I know, it was my own darkness, projecting out to show me the illusion of powerlessness I was holding onto. It was all about integrating my shadow aspects, and becoming whole again. A part of me will always honour them for contributing to my inner growth.
Not only that, I have also retained some true long-lasting connections, which I can count on for walking beside me. My setbacks have gifted me with a stronger trust in my intuitive abilities and discernment skills, and I would never trade off a single one of them for any tempting deviation from my soul led path. My fire for raising my consciousness will not only keep on burning, but will spread to those who are on the same frequency. I am never going to let it extinguish. I am never going to throw the baby with the bath water. I am never going to abandon my calling for Birthing The New Earth!
